The Tinder Trap – Public Humiliation of Men

I was recently made aware of a video called The Tinder Trap in which an Instagram model supposedly tricked hundreds of men on Tinder into meeting her at union square in New York. She and her crew did this by using cheap foreign labor to ‘flirt with the men.’  That means that many virtual assistants (presumably both men and women) were misleading the men into thinking they were actually engaging with the woman in the pictures. Once she arrived (in a stretch limo) she got up on a stage set up with microphones, speakers and bodyguards.  She immediately began to belittle the men and then went on to filter through them by publicly humiliating them for their height, how they dressed, and even their first name.  Those left then were told to compete by doing things like push ups and sprints. The creators of the Tinder Trap video say that it was a social experiment to bring to light how people are treated on dating sites.  It is clear if you watch all four minutes and thirty one seconds of this video that it is not only not a social experiment but in no way does it bring light to the treatment.

The host of the event – the girl who set up all the men – has what seems to be obvious and mean spirited delight and humiliating the men. In the end she chooses a model like, very handsome man.  Whether he is a plant, a fellow ‘actor’ or her current boyfriend is not clear. A social experiment – though not necessarily required to have a moral or a positive outcome – typically does.  We like to see experiments that show the intrinsic good in people, that people do the right thing, that given a chance humanity comes through.  Sure there are surprises and some of them aren’t so pleasant.

Bringing light to something –  raising awareness – is not done this way.  You do not raise awareness of animal abuse by bringing a bunch of dogs on stage and kicking them.  I was co chair of an event to raise awareness of people in abusive relationships, and we did not raise the awareness by punching people or degrading them.

The creators of this video are also quoted as saying “Tinder is bad.”

What this was not

This was not a “social experiment” at least in the way that we have come to expect them.  Yes expectations are not definitions.  If this was a social experiment it would have played out like this:

1. Attractive woman who really values a fairly invisible status item (like intelligence, integrity, how someone is an awesome dad, someone who is extremely selfless, etc) interacts with a man who is someone that the general public thinks is not a physical match.  (See “Gold Diggers, Sugar Daddies, Cougars, Oh My” in The Status Game II on how that actually works in real life)
2. A bunch of arrogant, really attractive men are located (“See Confidence, Arrogance, Douchebaggery and Status” in The Status Game II) and also interacted with.
3. All parties are summoned to the same spot –  a restaurant, or bar.
4. The attractive woman asks a series of questions that show the intelligence, kind heartedness, selflessness and attitude of the man she actually likes, while bringing to life the destructive “Playa” (see “Playa” in the “Glossary of terms” in The Status Game II) attitudes of the other men.
5. She chooses the non-douchebag and everyone cheers for The Everyman.

Except that this still wouldn’t be a great video because you have still publicly humiliated human beings, even if they are playas. Or, they could have used the same format, and then segregated the men based on the preferences of various women.  But all this would demonstrate what I explain in The Status Game II “Overall Status vs. Status on Gages” and “Delving deeper into the dashboard.” And it would have the counterproductive effect of not only humiliating those that aren’t “good enough” but the preferences of the women.  And as I say about your preferences “Don’t beat yourself up.”  It’s one thing to have preferences, it’s another thing to humiliate people publicly because they don’t live up to them.  This just creates anger, sadness and resentment.

So what was this?

A grab for views? Though, respectable in my little world, 87k of views is not a viral video.  Of course if I ever get that many views perhaps I will say I went viral?  Perhaps not, as i consider millions of views (or at least hundreds of thousands) to be viral.  They picked an easy target and known pain points to attract men and create a ‘hilarious’ spectacle of watch-the-monkeys-do-whatever-we-tell-them-to, because men are dumb.  Because men only want one thing and will do anything to get it.  Perhaps the creators of the video are nice people, perhaps they just like to pick a subject with a lot of pain and make a video about it.  I dunno. I give the cretors the benefit of the doubt that they are good, nice people.  Yeah.

“This shows Tinder is bad”

Was this specific to Tinder?  No.  This would have worked on any dating site, even my site could have been used for this (as long as all the connections were incoming as I limit the outgoing connections to prevent this sort of thing to begin with.  Smart.).  Is Tinder bad?  In Five Secrets Dating Sites Don’t Want You to Know I explain that they are are structured to keep you engaged and are not set up to help you find someone as their first priority.  So does that make them bad?  Well, no, but it does make them a business in business to make money and profit.  And you should be aware of that. Are sites weighted towards women?  Of course they are.  Tinder allows men to “only swipe right on 100 people a day” but there is no such rule for women.  Imagine that – “only” being allowed to say that you found 100 women that you really want to date in one day.  Oh the horror.  So why the silly rule?  Because that’s what men end up doing – swipe swipe swipe swipe.  Why?  Because then they just removed a layer between themselves and a potential date.  If they like everyone then now it’s up to the women to choose.  Efficient?  Maybe.  Smart?  No – it gives all the power to the women, and messes up the entire status structure (as I mention in both “Dear Men” and “Dear Women” in The Status Game II.  They don’t really like everyone but they have to, to get to the women they do like.

Or so the reasoning goes.

The lesson

In The Status Game (the first book) in a chapter called “Dear Men” I explain this phenomenon in no uncertain terms in an open letter to all men who are dating.  The attitude of swipe right (meaning validate) anything and everything like a sea of cro magnons creates an environment of zero worth.  As you see in the video that is exactly how the men are treated.  Some of the men in the audience actually cheer when others are being derided and degraded, as if this is a challenge to the death in roman times.  If you are an Alpha Male and you like this sort of thing then that’s perfectly fine.  However the prize in this video is not the kind of woman that an Alpha Male would sword fight over, and my intuition says that the “date” at the end was perhaps not genuine.  I could be wrong. There will always be a seriously unbalanced power structure in online dating (and perhaps in real life dating) if the men act like a bunch of worthless cromagnons that rush anything with the chromosomes they value.  If you devalue yourself so will everyone else.  If you consider yourself a three then that’s what everyone sees.  And if you are trying to find a six that’s never going to happen* If you want men to be respectful, and gentlemen, then you have to treat them with respect.  And that respect starts in the mirror.  I’m talking to you men.

*note see The Status Game II for a very in depth read on how status works, because a number like that is misleading.

Transcript:

How would you like to show up for a date… and 100 other people did too?
Oh—and you’re told you’re not tall enough?

Let’s talk about The Tinder Trap.

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What Was “The Tinder Trap” Video?

There’s a viral video called The Tinder Trap featuring an Instagram model who allegedly lured over 100 men to Union Square in NYC for what each thought was a private, one-on-one date.

Except it wasn’t. All the men arrived at the same time.

She didn’t even message them herself. She hired a crew—likely foreign workers using cheap labor—to flirt with these men on dating apps. In some cases, it may have been men flirting with men, pretending to be her.

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The Big Reveal: One Woman, 100+ Men, and a Stage

When the day arrived, she pulled up in a stretch limo, stepped out, and took the stage—complete with speakers, microphones, and bodyguards.

Then she began publicly eliminating the men.

She told a large group to go home for being “not tall enough.” Others were dismissed for arbitrary reasons—like their first names. Imagine being rejected just for being named something she didn’t like.

All this happened in public. The men didn’t get a private explanation. They learned on the spot that everything said to them online was fake, and they were part of a giant prank.

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Was This Really a Social Experiment?

She claimed it was a “social experiment” meant to highlight the problems with online dating.
But let’s be honest—it didn’t raise awareness. It just created public humiliation.

Social experiments usually reveal something meaningful: acts of kindness, social inequality, or unspoken truths. This was just making fun of people. It wasn’t informative—it was exploitative.

Yes, not all social experiments are positive, but we expect some thoughtful takeaway. Instead, this was shock value disguised as insight.

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What a Real Social Experiment Could Have Looked Like

If she wanted to make a real point, here’s one way it could have gone:

She values qualities like integrity, kindness, or family loyalty. She invites men down and chooses someone with those traits—a grounded, good-hearted guy—while others who seemed arrogant get passed over.

Everyone claps. There’s a clear takeaway. “Be a good person.”

Even then—it’s still humiliating the others for entertainment. Still not okay.

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Are “Gold Digger” Pranks Any Better?

Maybe you watch gold digger videos. Maybe they feel satisfying in a “they deserved it” kind of way. But the ethics are just as murky.

In The Status Game 2, I talk about this in the chapter Gold Diggers, Sugar Daddies, Cougars—Oh My. These dynamics aren’t simple. And neither is the damage.

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Raising Awareness Doesn’t Mean Causing Harm

You don’t raise awareness about abuse by reenacting it live.

Years ago, I co-organized an event focused on survivors of abusive relationships. We didn’t humiliate anyone. We educated. We raised funds. We connected people to safe havens. That is raising awareness.

I try to do the same in The Status Game and The Status Game 2—where I explain how validation, status items, and social perception really work.

Check out the article I wrote alongside this podcast for more details. If you’ve read the books (physical or Kindle), you’ll find specific chapters and glossary terms that dive deeper into this topic.

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Was It All Just a Grab for Views?

So, what was The Tinder Trap, really?

In my opinion: a publicity stunt. A grab for attention. A way to get more famous by mocking people who just wanted to meet someone.

Was it Tinder’s fault? Not exactly.

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Why Tinder and Other Dating Apps Create Power Imbalances

Let’s look at the app itself. Tinder lets men swipe right up to 100 times per day. But that limit doesn’t apply to women.

Why? Because men, frustrated by low matches, started swiping right on everyone. That way, if anyone liked them back, they’d already matched.

It seems efficient—but it breaks the system.

Women log in and see hundreds of likes. It inflates their perceived status. They think everyone wants them when in reality, only a few do.

It skews everything. The entire status structure collapses. This dynamic is exactly why I wrote the open letters Dear Men and Dear Women in The Status Game series.

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The Real Lesson Behind The Tinder Trap

If you decide to watch the 4-minute, 31-second video (and I’d recommend skipping to the middle), here’s the takeaway:

Online dating has a built-in power imbalance.

Men are wired—and expected—to initiate. Platforms restrict them, so they adapt. But those adaptations often make the system worse.

Yes, some men are jerks. I’ve got chapters on that. Yes, some play the game hard. But most aren’t. Many genuinely want connection.

You might say, “Oh, they just wanted to hook up.” But most dating profiles specifically say they’re not looking for hookups. They want connection.

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Respect Starts With How You Treat Others

If you want men to be respectful and decent, don’t mock them publicly. Don’t trick and humiliate them for laughs.
Just because they’re guys doesn’t make them a punching bag.

Respect starts with how you treat people. And honestly—it starts in the mirror.

It would’ve been great if every guy walked away when he realized it wasn’t a real date.
But they didn’t.

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Join the Conversation and Share Your Thoughts

So—what do you think? If you watch the video or read my article, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

The comments on the Tinder Trap video have been disabled—no surprise. But I’m here, and I’ll listen.

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