The Power of But.

(Pause for eye rolls)

This title makes even me roll my eyes but it is accurate. Whoa, I already demonstrated it. There are so many books and talks and podcasts about the power of this or that, and we begrudgingly trudge through it and see if there are any takeaways. Spoiler: usually not.

But this time it’s different. Ooh, I did it again.

Information vs. humor vs. sidenotes

As I’ve said before humor is a fantastic thing—but can get in the way of communication. e.g. – You ask a question and someone makes a joke, then expands on the joke but doesn’t ever get around to answering the question. There are other things that can get in the way of communication, and that’s where “but” comes in.

The perceptive suffer

If you’re overly-perceptive you may focus on the things that seem out of place before you answer a question. If you do this it can be problem. Learning to to use the power of but, and however, and other ‘informational separators’ can save you (and those you communicate with) a great deal of time and energy. This works if you are a speaker and have an audience (we all have an audience—see a future podcast on that), or have work peers, or clients, or a spouse or loved ones. So it is something everyone will find useful.

Behold the power of but and listen for more. And stop giggling.

Transcript:

The Unpredictable Process Behind “The Power of But”

But, also, however, having said that…

Well, hey there. Welcome back.

You’d be amazed at the order at which things are done with this podcast. Sometimes the podcast is recorded and then things are written, and the article’s written, and the promo materials are created. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Sometimes they just fall in random order. Sometimes they’re changed after it’s recorded because I had a certain concept, but once it played out, things change, the article changes, and so on and so forth.

So, you can imagine that I’m sort of laughing on the inside about what I’m ending up calling this podcast. I mean, what I’m assuming I’m calling it, and I may call it something else, is “The Power of But.” You know, the 14-year-old in me is just really having a good time at that, but… So, let’s let’s let’s just get let’s just get on to it, and it’ll be interesting to see what this is actually called.

Why Most Self-Help Books Should Be Post-It Notes

So, it’s called “The Power of But,” and I love that, but I also like the fact that, you know, it sounds so kitchy like all these other self-help books. And if you’ve read any of my personal productivity, as I’m told to call it, versus self-help, which is what it really is, you know that I am very, very much in the opposite direction of the people who just say, “Yeah, yeah, go cheerleader,” and they tell you this stuff, and you’re just supposed to suspend disbelief. Like you’re watching a a movie, like you’re watching fiction or reading fiction, and just go, “Okay, well, that’s how it works here. Okay, I just this isn’t real, right?” as these people go on and on about that and they just stare at you, or they pace back and forth on stage, or you read this book and you’re like, “Oh man, you don’t know my… you don’t know real life, you know?”

And you hear these… you hear and you read these long books about what essentially is sometimes a single concept, right? I mean, that’s what my podcast is the opposite of. One podcast episode of 10 minutes can give you like six takeaways, right? And I pride myself on that. I very much… I will wrestle you on that. I literally will wrestle you on that, cause I fully understand the the word “literally,” right?

So, having said all that, you know, there’s the “Start with Why,” which I still don’t get. I’m sorry. Feel free to correct me, I don’t get that. I’ve I’ve I’ve had a meeting with a person who sort of that was his thing. I’ve uh I’ve I’ve read about it. I I don’t I don’t I don’t get it. I don’t get the “Start with Why” thing, sorry. I can start with “Because.” You know, I can start with, and you think like, “Oh, that’s the same thing.” It really isn’t. Um, but there’s all sorts of books out there that are based on a single concept. It’s 200 pages, and you read it and you’re like, “Well, it could have been a Post-it note with a bullet point on it, right?” I mean, it literally could have been that. So, fortunately, even though this may be a single point bullet point, it’s only a 10-minute-ish podcast. We’ll see how long this one lasts.

The Communication Trap of Hyper-Perception

So, here’s the history of this, and then I’ll go into detail explaining it. I have a friend or two, acquaintance, whatever you’d like to call this person, in which when I propose things to them, write them a text message about a news item, ask them a question, they tend to delve into what… how I’ve said something, and find something that doesn’t make sense, and they focus on that thing, right? They focus on the thing that they think is out of order, and then they typically, more likely than not, completely ignore the actual question. They get so caught up in that, okay?

I appreciate that. Like, I appreciate that being being someone who has the double-edged sword of like hyper-perception, I get that. I get that it’s hard to let go of of stuff that you’re like, “Well, wait a second. I want to talk about this, right?” And you’re probably one of those people, too, where you’re like, “Well, wait, wait. That just, you know, that rubs me the wrong way,” or “bothers me,” or “I just want to know more.” And that’s typically where I land. “I just want to know more, I just want to understand.” Thus my motto, right?

Except it gets in the way of communication. And like I’ve said before, as a little sidebar here, I think humor is awesome in conversation, but if it gets in the way of the flow of communication, then it is actually detrimental. In the same way, this hyper-perception or this sensitivity or whatever you want to call it gets in the way of the actual communication, especially when the question’s actually not answered. And thus, I think if my friend would just learn the power of “but”… I’m sorry, I’m a child. If they would just learn that power, then we could have our cake and eat it, too.

How to Answer the Question First Before Adding Context

So, now let me describe how you can use this or or how it would be used. So, in other words, if I ask someone a question about something, and either the way I form the question or I’m kind of like coming out of left field, and it causes you to go, “Now, why would you say that? Well, what… what is that from? What? What? What are you doing? Where is… where are you going? What… what… do you really mean to say that? da da da da da.” All that stuff is great, but it should come after the “but.”

So, in other words, separating those two ideas, right? “But,” with the exception of “however,” right? So, if I ask a question, answer the question, and then use the “but.” Answer the question, and then say, “Well, no, I don’t do that at all because I’ve never, you know, da da da da da, BUT this is why.” Okay, that’s not clear. Let me try to come up with a better example of this.

Here’s a perfect hypothetical example. If I ask you, “Did you ever smoke?” Just random curiosity out of nowhere, right? Like we’re talking about stuff that I think is peripheral to that, and I think, “Huh, I wonder if they ever smoked?” And you, for your entire life, have suffered from asthma, and I’m probably not aware of that, or at least I wasn’t taking notes at all of the meetings. If you don’t know the power of “but,” you could go off on me about, “Why would you ask that about that? I have asthma and this and this and this, and I have… How would I possibly ever…” Okay, that gets in the way of communication.

However, if you were to say, “Smoking was never a thing for me, BUT it really couldn’t be because I had asthma all this time. da da da da da.” Then you can go off on asthma. Do you see that? Do you see that the “but” becomes a “because”? The “but” becomes a an exception, you know. “BUT here’s the exception,” “however.” It’s kind of like you hold in sort of an opposing state, like you did a cut and paste, right? Or a copy and paste. You copy that information, hold it on the side, respond to what’s given you, and then paste that down.

And now the the asker, the inquisitor, the interviewer, the person you’re talking with, not only gets a nice solid answer in their brain, they get the additional information you’re trying to impart on them. And perhaps that’s really the essence on this. You’re so interested in imparting information on someone that you forget to impart the information they were actually interested in.

Do you see how that could work to both people’s detriment? Do you see how that could work to your detriment not only in a intimate relationship, in a friend relationship, but in a job interview, in a a news meeting, you know, a public speaking event? Do you see how that would work?

Using the “But” Strategy for Public Speaking and Interviews

If you have an audience of 200 people, and someone asks you a question that that again, of this flavor, it seems out of left field, like, “Jesus, doesn’t this person understand what we’re even talking about here?” If you go at it with the calling them out about how they obviously weren’t listening to what you said, then you’re going to kind of lose some of the audience empathy.

BUT, aha! Here’s that word: “but.” If you were to go and sincerely try to answer their question, and THEN perhaps call out the fact that, “As I said in the beginning,” or, “Just like I’ve been discussing here,” or, “As you can see, that question clearly is answered in the beginning here, da da da da da.” I’m not saying be sarcastic or snotty or anything like that. You can be a little fun.

BUT, that’s the way I think the information can flow in a much better way. And again, just like so many things I tell you on this, it’s not about, “Okay, do all these things, spend all this extra energy and time.” No, in in quite the opposite, you’ll probably spend less time and energy on answering someone if you answer in this order: answer them first, add the little “but” afterwards. Right? Answer them first, then add the additional information, cause you’ll also have a better receptive audience.

If you hammer at them about how wrong they are about what they asked you or how they asked it or why they asked it and how come they’re not freaking telepathic and clairvoyant, they’re not even listening. But if you answer their question sincerely and then you give that, they not only will receive it, but they’ll receive it better because they know you took the time and energy and answered their question first, which they may walk away and go, “Oh my god, that was a dumb question. Why did I… like, obviously. Wow, I can’t believe I answered that.” And then go, “Wow, this person has some elegance to them. They actually have some aplomb to be able to answer that like that.”

So, that’s my single bullet point podcast for you in this time, which is still only 11 minutes of your life versus the two hours or more it would take to read a book that delivers one single point. Hope that makes sense. Have a good day.

Hey there, thanks for listening. You know I always enjoy your feedback. The prequel to The Sword and the Sunflower duet, called Upside Down, is now available. The Sword and the Sunflower is available as Kindle, paperback, and audiobook, with the other two, Amira and Upside Down, being available as Kindle and paperback.

Well, actually, all three books are now available in hardcover.

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